Hey you!

Hi there Miss.  Are you a pathetic and lonely:

Housewife?

Ninja Assassin?

Factory Worker?

Widow?

Pornographic Actress?

or

Sexy Robot Designer?
 

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, today is the day you kick up your heels and shout "Huzzah!"  The new WETZEL is the answer
to all of your problems.  Built from post-space-age materials and designed in a fabulously retro art deco style, the WETZEL is designed to satisfy
your every need.  Even the insatiable Cleopatra, destroyer of worlds, would jump around in shocked amazement after only fifteen minutes with the
excitement inducing WETZEL.  So what are you waiting for?  Order a WETZEL today, and escape your boring routine of dusting the house, doing
laundry, murdering people, and studying astrophysics.  This wonderful new product guarantees you thousands of hours of vaguely defined satisfaction!
 


Cleopatra knows.  Do You?


 
Manufacturer's Warning:  The Wetzel is a fine product, guaranteed to provide you hours of satisfaction.  Unfortunately, our less ethical competitors have decided to capitalize on the success of the Wetzel.  It has come to our attention that a far inferior product by the name of the Witzel is being sold in discount stores.  Remember, if it doesn't say Wetzel, you are only setting yourself up for heartbreak, gonorrhea, and brain aneurysms.

The Wetzel: Another fine product from Mensch-Welt, a member of the Rubber Chicken Enterprises family of companies.