When one Fieldist takes up arms against another, it is a betrayal of the highest order. In a world where understanding of the Fieldist cause is rare, we must stand together to defend against the assault of the unwashed masses. Our community of faith cannot survive without the enthusiasm and loyalty of our members.
Unfortunately, Fieldist history is replete with examples of moral failings. Perhaps this is a consequence of Allan; may his mixed messages eternally be a source of consternation. Perhaps it is a result of some fatal flaw in the constitution of Fieldists. A far more likely explanation rests at the feet of Demon Alcohol.
Would that Allan take Demon Alcohol, the great equivocator, who makes us stand to, and also not stand to, and cast it into the eternal flames of his indifference. But he will not, for Demon Alcohol is a friend to both Allan and Fieldists. Possibly, one day, we shall even sit with the grungo and toast Allan's name.
And so, we will instead direct the cannon of our outrage on the cellular telephone, whose use has not only caused the most recent Fieldist schism, but has repeatedly enraged and humiliated the Fieldist community throughout history. Its whirring electronic internals and suspicious convenience are certainly a sign of Jerome's terrifying influence. At any time and place, a Fieldist, unencumbered by the light of Allan's terrifying visage, could be instantly connected to another. When coupled with a Fieldist's considerable moral failings in the face of Demon Alcohol, this can and has resulted in calamity.
In light of the preceding, the council of Fieldist elders submits the following moral directives.
The High Council of Fieldist elders have approved these prescriptions on the seventh day of the month of November in the year of six and two thousand. They shall be held sacred by the Fieldist faithful, and may only Allan break asunder what Fieldists have wrought.