THE PERSONALITIES OF FIELDISM I: THE FORCES OF THE RIGHTEOUS
So many things can be said about Allan. Allan is, to begin, the name of a deity that watches over and protects the "Allanists", sometimes called Roman Fieldists, and any other Fieldists that choose to invoke his name and perform his ceremonies. Allan was first proven to exist when he was invented in 1999, under the strict philosophy of Finite Math. Allan has proven to be a tempermental god at best; a god of mixed messages. Much like the devil in the Twilight Zone, Allan has a long tradition of giving, only to take at a later time. One can see Allan's hand at work in such things as cheese curls; so tasty, yet so impossibly messy. Allan's coming was heralded by the sacred Ottoman, a purple, inflatable plastic Ottoman purchased by the great prophet Max Spirit for a mere pittance. The Ottoman proved quite adept at not only putting up of one's feet, but of the preforming of sacrifices. Allan, however, is a tempermental, vengeful god, and any deviation from using the Ottoman as his altar or from using a 'Slim Jim' as his sacrifice is fraught with horrors and carnage. Up to this date, Allan has preformed several miracles, most notably the magic ice cube that appeared from nowhere in the drink of Max Spirit. Allan is omnipotent, but that doesn't mean he's always paying attention. The only place that Allan will never, ever watch his servants is in the bathroom. He could , he just chooses not to because he's not nasty like that. As such, all Fieldists know to be very careful in the restrooms, as this is the only place where a criminal who fears the wrath of Allan will strike.
The Space Coyote
Allan has an avatar, a corporeal manifestation of his power that he allows to spread his influence while his attention must be elsewhere. This is the Space Coyote. Not much is known about this mystical traveller other than that he can, at times, understandably be mistaken for a talking dog. The Space Coyote has only appeared as of 2002 to Max Spirit during what he reffered to as a "sprit quest". Those Fieldists that choose to follow Allan generally accept the Space Coyote to be as good as the genuine Allan, but are careful to praise him only as a tool of Allan's incomphrehensible, ironic will.
Elrond Ytterbium is the creator and spiritual leader of Fieldism, as well as CEO of Rubber Chicken Enterprises. He first made himself known unto what is now the Fieldist community in 1998, as the alter-ego of a brilliant, but doomed high school student. Elrond soon took control of the student's body and rose to the highest position in the religion he created. As of 2001, he had been elected "Number One" by Numbers Two, Six, Four, and alternate-Two. Elrond has made his shadowy influence seen in a variety of events, most notably by influencing the religious engineers in charge of the Godapult project, and in creating the Society for the Drexel Mechanized Zoo. Elrond is also rumoured to be an instructor and perhaps founding member of the Mad Science Institute.
Perhaps one of the true movers and shakers of Fieldism, second only to the great Elrond Ytterbium, Max Spirit is a name chosen by a convert to Fieldism. Originally the greatest detractor of Fieldism and the owner of the Anti-Fieldist Web Kiosk, Max Spirit converted in early 2000. Since then he has been integral to some of the new directions taken by non-orthodox Fieldists. Specifically, he has been part of the Allanists, helping to develop the numerous ceremonies invoking Allan's name, as well as discovering various holy relics. He has had the opportunity to have been present during the canonization of both Fieldist Saints, and was involved in the incident of the Miraculous Ice Cube.
The Grand Inquisitor/ Propaganda Minister Aaron Sakulich
Aaron Sakulich was an early adherent to Fieldism, but soon left to create Swampism. After the failed Swampist marketing ploy, he returned to mainstream Fieldism and was an early follower of Allan. Protoge and contemporary of Max Spirit, Aaron Sakulich, now occasionally known as Elrond Yttrium, has founded many of the hidden branches of Fieldism, such as the Fieldist Nation, the Roman Fieldists, and the office of Grand Inquisitor. Electing himself Grand High Inquisitor of Fieldism and backed by the burliness of Max Spirit, Aaron was soon at odds with the power-hungry Elrond Ytterbium. At first, Elrond was content to limit Aaron's ability to excomunicate to excomunications of no more than five minutes, but soon conflict was growing. As part of the peace treaty signed after the War of the Fields, the Testament to the Folly of War, he was demoted to "slightly important" inquisitor. His abilities of determining whose faith was true and whose false was also revoked.
Andrew Blank is the prophet to the massives of Central Pennsylvania, and has, at times, been referred to as Rondel Yttrium. A member of the old school of Fieldist thought, Andrew Blank was a witness to the founding of Fieldism. Through many trials, such as the "Test of the Mosquitoes" and the "Test of Fantastic Length and Difficulty," his faith has remained pure. His unorthodox interpretation of the Book O' Fields has irked Elrond Ytterbium on occasion, but on the other hand, what hasn't?
Anthony Costantio, Destroyer of Weebles
As with most things, Anthony Costantino makes no sense. A friend, albeit slightly disintersted at times, of Fieldism, yet also the 'father' of the weebles. And yet, also a fierce enemy of the weebles. At the same time he orders his hordes of weebles to attack unsuspecting computers. But also at the same time, he fights off the Weebles with fierce passion mixed with baking soda. What could his motivations possibly be? No one really knows, and considering his policy of creating master plans and not enacting them, probably no one ever will.
Saint Penny oF SEPTA
Saint Penny of Septa was revealed unto Elrond Ytterbium, Max Spirit, and Aaron Sakulich as they were on a great and mystic journey. Due to the Allanesquely confusing, mixed message nature of Elrond Ytterbium, an important component for the first Interocitor was left unpurchased. And so, they set out first upon foot, then the Subway, and finally the Southeastern Tranisit Authorities buses to the far flung location of Franklin Mills. And yea, for the trip was long, and yea, they were all hungry, and yea, thoughts of resentment and jealousy burned inside the travellers. And then, at precisely the right moment, the will of Jerome, the destruction of these seekers of truth was averted by a Saint. Appearing from nowhere, Saint Penny of SEPTA appeared. She was dressed and carried herself in the manner of the subculture that calls themselves Goths, but, unlike 99% of Goth girls, she was excruciatingly attractive. Thoughts of Coups and delusions of grandeur were turned away from the hearts of the weary travellers as this, a veritible gift from Allan, distracted them from the whispers of Jerome (which can be heard on any sort of SEPTA train, bus, or trolley), and no one was slain. At Franklin Mills, Penny dissapeared from sight as suddenly as she had appeared, leaving behind her only our weary travllers. But at last, they had arrived and could finally complete the Interocitor. In trying to keep up with Saint Penny, the confounded travellers found naught but a Taco Bell restaurant that served the weary trio the most refreshing meal, both spiritually and physically, they had ever eaten.
Saint Kara of Friendly's
On another eating related journey, the Prophets Max Spirit and Aaron Sakulich decided to max thier envelopes and go out to dinner after seeing a movie. But yea, for the lines were long, and the restaurants were crowded. Nevertheless, the prophets just walked into a Friendly's ice cream parlor and sat themselves. The night manager, perhaps by the name of Kara, declined their offer to wait for a seat after pointing out there was a line, and took thier orders personally. Thus began a long strange night of intrigue and mystery. The food was slow, but the check was halved and the ice cream free. However, it is Allan's nature to be contradictory and mix messages, and as such neither Max Spirit nor Aaron ever saw this Saint again.
Saint Larry of the Future
It happened in the Fieldist haven of Hillcrest. A visit from The Wetzel from the Fields of Suburbia required a celebration of modest proportions, implying, of course, a feast. As was common during those days, a Chinese meal was suggested by the elders. Whilst gathering the congregation of Drexeltopia, a call was received on the relic known as "a phone connected to a wire." Evidently our food was here. It was Chinese food, for Larry. At our apparent confusion, the deliveryman detailed precisely what we intended to, and eventually would, order. Completely oblivious to the signs of a Fieldist miracle, the Miracle of Preemptive Chinese Food, the elders refused delivery. They went about their Chinese odyssey and proceeded to order exactly as it was foretold. The food was delicious and the event ominous. Larry was never found, nor heard from again. It has been suggested that it was an inaugural gift from the maiden trial of the Fieldist Temporal Chinese Food project, but until it has been proven such, Larry will be held in high regard as he who tried to save us from waiting for food.
What rolls down stairs,
Alone or in pairs,
Rolls over your neighbor's dog?
He's great for a snack,
He fits on your back,
He's Dave, Dave, DAVE!
He's Dave, Dave,
He's big, he's heavy, he's wood.
He's Dave, Dave
He's better than bad, he's good.
Everyone wants a Dave.
You're gonna love it, Dave.
Come on and get your Dave.
Dave was one of the first adherents to Fieldism at Drexel and has no love for the Weebles.