Good morning and currently seeing you to the Fields of State College. Peace and war efforts be to you and your kin. The will of Allan and his mighty works progress well in State College, even as they do in the Fieldist haven of Drexeltopia, and a great Field of you hath sprung up within Central Pennsylvania. Though ye may prosper now under the auspices of Allan and his Space Coyote, remember ye the words of the High inquisitor that Allan is an ironic god of mixed messages and changing will. It is not for man to know the whole plan of Allan, but be assured that as long as ye shall live by the great Napkin of Law and the teaching of Allan and his prophets, Allan shall watch over ye wheresoever ye shall tread in the world save the bathroom.
In the Bathroom
Verily I tell you to beware the bathroom, for there hath Allan the least of his power, and Jerome's is its greatest within the close confines of a stall. There will he tempt ye, and send his Hypnotoad that doth bring Fieldists to the side of the Weebles in the great conflict between good and evil. But take comfort in thy privations, for even the least of the power of Allan is greater than all the legions of the Weebles and the Hypnotoad. I say to you that anyone who is faithful to Allan may tread without fear even unto the bathroom, for the elect of Fieldism are strong of heart and corner pocket, and shall be protected even as they sit on the porcelain throne of Jerome himself.
Avoid the works of Jerome, and the legions of his Weebles, and the empty promises of the Hypnotoad, and ye shall be happy all the days of your life. But beware, for I charge you with no easy task, for man in his lifetime is many times forced to enter into the place of Jerome, and though ye may escape once, the minions of Jerome shall not be deterred. And also be wary that while the greatest danger lies confined within the bathroom, the Weebles extend their influence wherever there is a computer to be found, and the Hypnotoad may find ye even in thy Field and tempt ye there. To Fieldists there is always danger, but so too is there hope, for the power of Allan is great.
Allan is of the Field, and the Field is his place of power. When you go unto the Grungos, say to them that all who would go unto Allan shall come to the Field, and all that come to the Field come to Allan, for Allan and the Field are as one. The power of Allan is great, and when he is paying attention he will do great works through the elect of the Field. And you, the Fieldists, are among these elect, and so will your works be great. But know ye that only will Allan empower thy spirit when he payeth attention, and so must you sacrifice Slim Jims unto him. Then will his attention be yours, for it is written, "Whosoever shall offer unto him a Slim Jim with the words, 'If you want me to eat your Slim Jim give me no sign.' and shall do the will of Allan shall have his attention." With the attention of Allan shall you receive his mixed messages, which hath power to confound the wisest among us, but also to inspire us to the greatest and most valorous of deeds.
Of the Grungo
Beware that the Grungo may persecute you, but also invite not such persecution. Use care in thy dealings with the Grungo, and the Grungo will receive you well. It was with the feelings of the Grungo in mind that I founded the No-One-Wants-To-See-That Fieldists and the Grungo treats them well. Know too that Allan may bless the Grungo and the Fieldist alike and that both are valuable in the struggle against Jerome and in the war between good and evil. If ye meet a Grungo, and if he be willing, you may introduce him unto the Field, and induct him into Fieldism in the tradition of Elrond. That is, the Grungo shall acknowledge himself to be a Fieldist, and then shall he be one. Know also, ye Fieldists of State College, of the Grungo known as Gary, the Willard Preacher. Though his seeming is of a servant of Jerome, it has been revealed to me that Allan has obfuscated the truth of this man from the many. Though Gary's work is that of another, he attracts unto him many and varied Grungos that might open themselves to the way of Allan. Remember ye that many of you were met at the feet of this Gary before you were brought into the Field of Allan, and that still we may speak with Gary on many matters, for wisdom hath been given to this Grungo, though it be mixed in the manner of Allan's messages.
The Field of State College does well as we pass this St. Fieldist's day, and proud should Allan be of you when he pays attention unto ye. Go then, and Allan be with you as you bring his will into the world. Be seeing you.